FPL Week Zero - The Defenders

Like Diego Costa, the blog is battling to be ready for the start of the season. Unlike Diego Costa, the blog will not be partaking in any experimental treatments involving horse placentas or painkilling injections.

After last week's magnum opus on Fantasy Football's bargain goalkeepers, I've been bogged down with that grimly ironic ailment: the summer cold. Summer colds are awful. The sun shines without compassion as green phlegm congeals around your windpipe and your sinuses swell to painful proportions. The August heat only serves to exacerbate the burn of your headache. You can't drink cough medicine in the office without people thinking you're a "dirty sprite"-sipping codeine addict.

Like Ledley King, the blog is struggling for fitness

Nevertheless, you can rest assured that I won't be leaving my FPL preview unfinished. The new season beckons, the pitches are prepared, and the loudmouths at work want buy-in money for their Fantasy league. In the immortal words of the great American poet Young Jeezy, let's get it.

Part Two - Defenders

In real football, defenders are the foundations upon which great teams are built. Ideally, they're rugged athletes who can mark their man, win headers and play the ball out from the back. They're competent but unflashy and know how to work as a unit. However, none of this really matters in Fantasy Football, which rewards an odd blend of bruising centre-halves like John Terry (177 points last season) and cavalier full-backs in the Leighton Baines (139 pts) mold.

Those two FPL perennials, along with the freakishly excellent Branislav Ivanovic (179 pts), have been excluded from my selection. Feel free to take a look at that trio, but brace yourself for the hit on your wallet.      

Fantasy Force: Leighton Baines

My first choice in defence is Jose Holebas, who at just £4.5m takes on the role of Budget Baines this campaign. The Greek left-back averages approximately a goal every ten games throughout his career, and is always a pacy attacking outlet for the national team. Add in his Champions League pedigree from stints at Olympiakos and AS Roma, and Holebas represents a good punt, particularly with just 0.6% of managers selecting the defender. "Differentials" like this are vital in grabbing unexpected points, and it certainly beats having John O'Shea back there.

Keeping up the bargain-basement flavour (tastes like chorizo) of my backline is Stoke's Philipp Wollscheid, my official Irrational Confidence Pick. The German centre-half, also priced at 4.5, is a cheap way in to a Stoke backline which managed nine clean sheets last term. When fit, Wollscheid was first choice alongside Ryan Shawcross after arriving from Bayer Leverkusen in January, and the twice-capped defender should make more of an impression in his first full season.

Spurs will reunite Toby Alderweireld and Jan Vertonghen

Picking a Tottenham Hotspur defender fills me with trepidation, but the next spot at the back must go to Belgian thoroughbred Toby Alderweireld, newly signed from Atletico Madrid. 5.0 is a fantastic price for a defender who was outstanding on loan for Southampton last season, clocking up nine clean sheets in just 25 games. It also bodes well for Alderweireld's minutes that Spurs' other options alongside Jan Vertonghen at centre-half are footballing luminaries Eric Dier and Federico Fazio. The 47-times capped international can also fill in at right-back, although the rampaging Kieran Trippier (5.5) should be first choice after joining from Burnley.

While FPL crams all defenders under the same positional umbrella, it only feels right to have a proper balance of centre-halves and full-backs, and Chelsea's Cesar "Dave" Azpilicueta is one of the league's best in the latter role. With Felipe Luis returning to Spain after an underwhelming spell at Stamford Bridge, Azpilicueta goes into 2015/16 as the champions' undisputed first choice at left-back. Along with 13 clean sheets, his herky-jerky runs into the opposition half mustered three assists last season. He's relatively cheap, too, at 6.0. To put that into context, noted shithouse Gary Cahill is priced at 6.5, despite earning less points than Azpilicueta last year. It's a no-brainer.

Matteo Darmian: United's new right-back

Rounding off the defence is Manchester United's Matteo Darmian, an attacking right-back recently arrived from Torino. Like Azpilicueta, he's a full-back who plays "off the wrong foot", in this case a left-footer on the right flank. Darmian, who shone for Italy in last summer's World Cup, is set to be first choice at Old Trafford after Rafael's departure to Lyon and will be given licence to get forward under Louis van Gaal. While not that regular a goalscorer or assist-maker in Serie A (six goals, 11 assists in 150 games for Torino), the Premier League should suit the athletic 25-year-old, and 5.5 is a fine price for a starting full-back in a Champions League side. For context, consider the likes of Nacho Monreal, Steven Caulker and Aleksandar Kolarov are available at the same price.

Join me very soon (too soon) for part three of the preview, where you'll find out my midfield picks,  and sign up to my league with the code 382422-233533 

FPL Week Zero - The Goalkeepers

Like most of my SMS messages, I'd like to open this blog post with an apology. I apologise that I've been away for so long. I've been working hard in a new job and moved to London, where distractions abound. I also apologise that the blog's new focus on Fantasy Football is not reflected in a pithy pun in the website URL. 'Let Me Be Your Fantasy', 'My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy', and 'Notorious FPL' were all considered, but it was felt they lacked the combination of oblique pretence and literary sincerity that 'Stream of Details' offers.

I do not and shall not, however, apologise for the new subject matter. Among fans of the Premier League, Fantasy Football is the great leveller, a common denominator which lets obsessives of all shades test their wits against each other. It pits the Walkabout loudmouth in his gold-lettered 'Champions 20' United jersey against the Sid Lowe-worshipping, Raumdeuter-advocating football hipster, only for them both to be beaten by the guy in your office who looks up Betfair clean sheet odds and openly admits to preferring rugby. It is the acid test for pub bores, counters of blocks and interceptions, and people who punch the air after seeing that Marcin Wasilewski has got an assist. It is played by over three million people and I absolutely love it.

Artist's impression of a FPL gamer

My blog will be weekly and will break down the previous gameweek in detail, before picking out useful signings for the next round of matches. Bear in mind that I had Diafra Sakho in my FPL team from as early as gameweek six last season. As a trade-off, however, you will be subjected to at least 400 words of prose on a diverse range of topics. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wonder about the mental health of a single 24-year-old with a full-time job who spends his free time detailing how Joel Ward's ability to step into midfield makes him a valuable budget addition to your defence.

A quick note – this blog will only cover the official Premier League Fantasy game. For those of you playing The Sun's version, I applaud your commitment to fighting the European single currency and suggest you take a look here before demanding a refund. The rest of you, enjoy part one of my season preview.

Part one – The Goalkeepers

Goalkeepers have traditionally been somewhat isolated figures: lonely specialists standing on the periphery of a team game. It is a role has always bred mavericks, from Colombian 'keeper Rene Higuita and his kidnapping conviction to former Hereford shot-stopper David Icke, now best known for his 'unconventional' views on the royal family. Albert Camus, meanwhile, was a standout goalkeeper at youth level.

David Icke - the Hereford United years

However, this eccentricity seems to be fading from the art of goalkeeping. Perhaps it stems from implementation of the backpass rule, forcing goalkeepers to use their feet like anyone else, subliminally bringing their personalities into line with the rest of the dressing room. Look at the new breed of sweeper-keepers: identikit beanpoles with good feet and zero charisma. There's Joe Hart and Manuel Neuer, the school bullies who cried when they couldn't get a game outfield; Courtois and Pantilimon, built in a lab out of discarded limbs from the 1980s Boston Celtics team; and then you've got Brad Guzan. Could Brad Guzan tell you anything interesting about Brad Guzan?

Liverpool's Simon Mignolet, then, with his degree in Political Science from the Catholic University of Leuven, might be seen as the Premier League's only concession to a more off-the-wall era of goalkeeping. His footwork is similarly retro, as time and again he uses both feet with equal skill to hammer the ball out for throw-ins halfway inside the Liverpool half. This poor distribution, coupled with a number of high-profile gaffes last season, should have made Mignolet's position as the Reds' number one untenable by now. Can you recall a single great Mignolet game?

Liverpool's Simon Mignolet: Garbage?

He clings on to his role between the sticks, however, as surely as he fails to cling on to any lofty back post cross. Like a Tory government, he impresses nobody but survives through fear of the alternative. Seeing off the challenge of Brad “safe hands” Jones last season, he will be quietly confident of remaining ahead of highly-rated youngster Adam Bogdan in the Anfield pecking order this campaign. Game time is guaranteed.

Quietly and inconspicuously, he keeps clean sheets too. The Belgian stopper somehow oversaw 14 shut-outs last season, joint-highest in the league. Considering he will be enjoy the luxury of playing behind a genuine right-back this season, his 5.0 price tag looks a bargain.

A rose between two thorns

My alternative suggestion is Newcastle's Tim Krul, with the Netherlands international representing a very solid rotation option at 4.5. In contrast to Mignolet, Krul is all about the glory games. Right from his debut as a 17-year-old against Palermo to his 14-save freakshow against Tottenham, Krul has put up shows of defiance to which General Custer himself might aspire. Unsurprisingly, playing behind the likes of “Iron” Mike Williamson and Paul Dummett, these clean sheets don't come around as regularly as Fantasy managers might like, but when they arrive they tend be accompanied by Bonus and Saves points.