Celtic can rebuild after slipping back at the Tony Macaroni

Perhaps the only relief for Celtic fans who saw the aftermath of the club’s first ever defeat to Livingston was that the tensions bubbling between the two sets of players did not boil over at the final whistle. Ryan Christie was already in the dugout after his first half red card, with a three game suspension in the post, and there was no sense in anyone else joining him.

As it was, Christopher Jullien’s thousand-yard stare as he went through the motions of the post-match handshakes would be as ugly as things would get.

The £7-million centre half’s frustration summed up the mood among Neil Lennon’s side. They had been roughed up, wound up and mugged off in a tight, ugly encounter on the plastic turf of Livi’s Tony Macaroni Stadium. They would soon slip into second place in the table, Rangers romping past Hamilton in Sunday afternoon’s later game to render Celtic’s victory in the first Old Firm clash of the season an irrelevance.  

Straight red: Ryan Christie

Walter Smith used to tell his Rangers players to worry about the games before and after each Old Firm clash and Celtic will have their one-time nemesis’ words ringing in their ears as they enter the international break trailing their great foes. The defeat to Livi, on the heels of last weekend’s draw at Easter Road threatens to dampen the enthusiasm around a Celtic side capable of a great deal more.

Indeed, the Celtic Park faithful will be desperate to see Neil Lennon’s men consistently display the quality they have shown in their first two Europa League ties, as well as their earlier Scottish Premiership fixtures. The dynamism and discipline evident in Thursday night’s 2-0 victory over Cluj, along with the draw away to a strong Rennes side, has been lacking in the last two domestic assignments.

Tiredness from Thursday evening may have contributed to Celtic’s defeat on Sunday, particularly in the instance of Christie’s uncharacteristic lunge on Scott Robinson, which earned him an immediate dismissal. However, in other areas the Bhoys clearly lacked the requisite nous and guile against Gary Holt’s well-drilled Livi side.

The recall of Austrian right-back Moritz Bauer for such a predictably physical encounter was puzzling, with the Stoke City loanee looking unsettled by the home side’s rugged approach. Hatem Abd Elhamed, who helped secure a clean sheet against Cluj, is a more defensively assured full-back and may well have coped better with the frequent long balls from the home side.

Livi benefitted from an excellent focal point in attack, with Lyndon Dykes troubling the Celtic backline with his strength and speed, not to mention more than a few of the dark arts. The young target man was certainly abrasive, offering the full complement of trailing arms, shoves and ankle-nips before settling the game with a fine chip over Fraser Forster.

Abrasive and outstanding: Lyndon Dykes

Jullien in particular appeared driven to distraction by the antics of Dykes and his colleagues, with the Frenchman repeatedly losing his rag at his opponents as the match wore on. He’d have been better off focusing on the basics, with Scott Robinson benefitting from huge gap between him and Bauer to poke home Livi’s opener.

Even Celtic’s most reliable performers failed to shine, with James Forrest largely anonymous and Scott Brown frequently crowded out by Robinson and Robbie Crawford in the centre of the park. Mohamed Elyounoussi was a rare bright spot, with the Norwegian showing his athleticism and flair on a number of storming runs down the left flank.

Celtic will hope that the likes of Forrest and Odsonne Edouard can quickly regain form when they return from Scottish and French under-21 duties in a couple of weeks, although Christie’s suspension will leave a vacancy in the number 10 role, where he has excelled up until Sunday.

Comeback trail: Tom Rogic

One consolation could be that it offers Tom Rogic a route back into contention, as the Australian continues his recovery from an injury-ravaged 2018-19 season. Rogic scored in the 5-0 cup rout of Partick Thistle recently, and the left-footer is a classy addition to the side when fit and firing.

Celtic fans have not seen enough of him lately, with some contradictory reports in the Scottish tabloids suggesting he will spend the international break getting married, but Christie’s absence could be a precious opportunity for the enigmatic attacking midfielder to assert himself once again.        

Tom McMahon

Pitch invasions - a disease or a symptom?

The imprisonment of Paul Mitchell, the 27-year-old Birmingham City supporter who vaulted the hoardings to punch Aston Villa midfielder Jack Grealish in Saturday’s Second City derby, was inevitable.

The father-of-one pleaded guilty to the sucker punch that shocked the country, with his lawyer reporting that his client “cannot explain what came over him yesterday morning”, before he was sentenced to 14 weeks in prison and given a 10-year football banning order.

Players and stewards apprehend Paul Mitchell as Jack Grealish recovers

Football fans across the UK might be struggling to explain what has come over the national game after a trio of ugly pitch invasions threatened to eclipse the weekend’s fixtures. Like most disastrous weekends, it got started on Friday night, when Rangers captain James Tavernier was confronted by a fan at Hibernian’s Easter Road. This continued a spate of foul incidents in Scottish football, including sectarian abuse of Kilmarnock manager Steve Clark by Rangers fans, and glass bottles descending on Scott Sinclair from the Easter Road stands.

While the recent incidents north of the border have a sectarian dimension that makes them particularly unsavoury, crowd trouble even surfaced in the perfumed realm of the Premier League on Sunday afternoon. An Arsenal fan ran onto the pitch after the home side’s second goal and shoved Manchester United defender Chris Smalling, before attempting to join the Arsenal players’ celebrations.

David Cotterill called for armed police to protect players

The trio of one-man pitch invasions provoked a storm of conjecture from pundits and columnists. This ranged from well-judged appeals to protect players through appropriate stewarding and deterrent punishments, to David Cotterill’s ludicrous proposal to introduce armed police at football grounds. 

The Professional Footballers’ Association chief executive, Gordon Taylor, deserves some credit for speaking out quickly and suggesting that ground closures and points deductions could be considered for clubs that prove unable to control their fans. His claim that “we’ve been down this road before and we don’t want to go there again”, however, hints at a misdiagnosis of the issue afflicting British football.

Taylor’s comments suggest that the incidents that took place over the weekend mark a return to the hooliganism that plagued grounds across the 1970s and 1980s. While the violence in both eras is repugnant, there is marked difference between the senseless actions from a few modern-day individuals and the organised, Firm-based hooliganism that stalked city centres and stadia before the Premier League era.

Disturbances have traditionally been between fans

What made the weekend’s misdeeds so startling was that the aggression was directed towards professionals on the field of play, rather than other supporters. While this isn’t an entirely new phenomenon (witness the 2012 attack on Chris Kirkland), it represents a shift from the carnage previously wreaked on an almost-weekly basis by established firms such as The Subway Army, The Headhunters and The Soul Crew.     

In a reflection of modern society, the weekend’s incidents were the sole actions of three disorganised and socially disconnected attention-seekers, rather than participants in any sort of community – even a criminal one. It’s not hard to spot Paul Mitchell’s desperation for 15 seconds of infamy as he waves his arms to stir up applause while being dragged off the turf at St Andrews.

The Arsenal pitch invader, meanwhile, wears a Stone Island jacket – that universal marker of aggro – despite grinning manically and seeming more concerned with hugging his team’s players than inflicting any serious damage on Smalling. His hooligan clobber seems an affectation, a costume to distract from the more serious business of celebrity-worship.

Stone Island gear: hooligan dress-up costume?

The same blend of vanity and spite was present on Twitter, where a Birmingham City supporter used the liberating power of social media to taunt Jack Grealish over the death of his infant brother. The supporter – who made no effort to disguise his identity – has since been banned from attending fixtures at St Andrews.

This grim abuse on social media, coupled with the naff hooligan clobber sported by the weekend’s pitch invaders, reveals a section of men desperate to apply outmoded masculine aggression in a society that has (thankfully) moved on.

It’s telling that Paul Mitchell was wearing a hat inspired by Peaky Blinders, the Brummie mafia serial that is a staple on the BBC and Netflix. The overblown Boardwalk Empire rip-off has enjoyed great success as a retro wish-fulfilment showreel for the Strongbow Dark Fruits crowd: slick hairdos, sharp suits and easy women interspersed with shoot-and-stab set pieces.

Retro wish-fulfilment: Peaky Blinders

It’s little surprise that these lurid 1920s images hold some appeal to the young men of modern Britain, often faced with an environment of meaningless service-industry labour, crippling debt and a cultural landscape increasingly focused on hedonistic individualism.   

The same, self-interested society is reflected in the incidents across the weekend, with the perpetrators blundering into crude assertions of their warped masculinity, striving for a few moments of attention as they lash out at more talented, better-adjusted versions of themselves. While fines, banning orders and jail terms may deter some football fans from similarly thuggish behaviour, the vain anger among disconnected young men is something that British society urgently needs to examine and remedy.   

Why Succeed when you can Survive?

Michael Jordan, in a confession that would be endlessly reproduced in motivational screensavers, admitted that he had “missed more than 9,000 shots in my career”. He continued, “26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over again. That is why I succeed.”

Perhaps Chris Grayling has a knowledge of basketball that belies his suit-straining paunch, as the Transport Secretary seems to have taken up Gatorade’s challenge to Be Like Mike, quickly compiling his own catalogue of failures.

Last week proved Grayling’s commitment to cock-ups, with his role in not one but two costly scandals again putting his position under scrutiny.

Like Mike? Chris Grayling in Kent

On Thursday afternoon, the government was forced to pay £33 million to French transport company Eurotunnel in an out-of-court settlement as the Seaborne Freight fiasco reached its farcical conclusion. 

Eurotunnel had taken the government to court on the grounds that the procurement process that saw Grayling’s Department for Transport award a £14 million contract to Seaborne Freight was not sufficiently thorough and transparent, meaning their business case was not given a fair hearing. Seeing as Seaborne Freight turned out to have no ships and no port to land them in, Eurotunnel probably had a point.         

On Friday, a vintage Grayling blunder from 2013 was brought up from the cellar by the National Audit Office (NAO), with a price tag north of £400 million to the taxpayer. The NAO's report reminded Parliament that in his stint as David Cameron’s Secretary of State for Justice, Grayling had applied the trusted Tory tonic of privatisation to Britain’s probation services with his typical combination of diligence and flair.

Grayling was Justice Secretary before Michael Gove

The eye-wateringly expensive experiment yielded poor results, with a 2.5% drop in the number of offenders proven to commit another crime more than offset by the number of offences by reoffenders rising 22%. Fans of mass incarceration could at least be cheered that the number of offenders recalled to Britain’s famously safe and rehabilitative prisons after breaching a licence condition increased by almost half, from 4,240 to 6,240.

Grayling’s week from hell, alongside previous failures such as a rail timetable reshuffle that left platforms across England looking like the Battle of Thermopylae, ought to make his position untenable.

Indeed, Labour’s shadow transport secretary Andy McDonald and deputy leader Tom Watson have both clamoured for “heads to roll”. However, it might yet be too soon to expect a resignation.

Here's one he made earlier: passengers queue amid rail timetable chaos

Theresa May has repeatedly spoken of her admiration for Geoffrey Boycott, but it appears Grayling plays the role of another English cricketer within the Tory cabinet. It’s likely that May sees her Transport Secretary as a John Edrich figure, the fearless Surrey opening batsman who was once likened to a ‘human punching bag’ when facing the dreaded Australian duo of Jeff Thomson and Dennis Lillee.

Jeremy Hunt did a similar job in his hapless stint as Health Secretary, somehow clinging on for six years as waiting lists lengthened, survival rates fell and medical staff quit. These dour, grey ministers have turned incompetence into a bizarre virtue, much admired by the Tory leadership for their ability to shrug off the concept ministerial responsibility and ride out media storms, rather than display any skill in governing.

Accident waiting to happen? Jeremy Hunt visits a hospital

Whereas Michael Jordan used his failures as a platform to become the greatest athlete of the last 30 years and Edrich blocked, cut and hooked his way to 12 test centuries, the likes of Grayling and Hunt embrace failure as their signature.

Although regularly confronted by the miserable results they have overseen, they know that any resignation would damage their party’s hold on power. So they hang grimly on, and are handsomely remunerated for their subsistence politics. Their only merit is understanding that modern society’s ever-accelerating news cycle will soon move on, the scrutiny will fade and new catastrophes will snatch the public's attention.
 
Oh - have you seen the news about Storm Freya?

Me versus Mont Ventoux - the good, the bad and the ugly

I keep going because the mountain won't give up. I pedal harder and harder because the mountain won't complain about cross winds, unfamiliar chainsets or a spiteful sun sitting high in French sky.

I fire up another sprint, pushing my power output into the 320 watts territory as sweat surges out of my pores. My tongue lolls madly out of my mouth and my heart rate rises into the red zone. It is a Monday afternoon and I am enduring another interval training session at the local gym, as part of my preparation for this July's ascent of Mont Ventoux.

As well as creating a sweat-streaked monster in the depths of Lewisham PureGym, my training for the epic climb has revealed the good, the bad and the ugly of cycling in Britain.

Early days: a Sunday spin leads me to an out-of-town retail park 

Since buying my first proper road bike in January (the undersized Carrera MTB travesty I used in Manchester has been successfully erased from my memory) the pure joy of speed has lit up my hours in the saddle. The poise and control of the dropped handlebars, the grip when accelerating out of a corner and the blessed relief in shifting down to the small ring when climbing are all fantastic sensations for a road rookie. Even donning one's first pair of bib shorts has its own vaguely kinky thrill, quite apart from their aerodynamic benefits.

Despite these delights, some persistent problems prevent cycling from becoming an automatic choice for London commuters. The capital's roads remain a mixture of pristine and the precarious, with hazardous potholes and inexplicably gnarly gravel roads popping up fairly frequently if you take routes suggested on Google Maps.

How the pros do it: Alberto Contador and Chris Froome do battle on Ventoux

As well as physical hazards, London cyclists have to keep an eye out for the city's other road users. While most drivers are now at least aware of the existence of cyclists, there is some way to go before pedal-powered travellers get parity of esteem on the road. A significant minority of motorists are still prone to gamble with other people's lives in order to shave a few seconds off a journey, pulling out without warning.

Other commuters actually drive relatively safely, but seem to live for confrontations with cyclists, beeping their horns manically and leaning out of windows to hurl the sort of invective usually reserved for someone you've caught in bed with your spouse.

While the recent hot weather in London might contribute to drivers' frayed tempers, it makes for ideal training for my upcoming ride in the Provence region of southern France. Recent temperatures near Mont Ventoux have hit 37 Celsius, with the fearsome Mistrale winds from the Mediterranean also contributing to the mountain's unique climate.

In the heavens: the summit of Mont Ventoux

As well as the recent continental weather in London, my training efforts have been blessed by the digital gods, in the shape of some interesting new apps. Strava, even on the free version, lets you track your pace against other users, creating some occasionally ill-advised sprint sections on the streets of south London.

Since leaving my last job, I've even been able to contort the gig economy to the benefit of my training, using Deliveroo to earn money whilst clocking up the hours in the saddle. 

The ride itself has already raised over £900 for the Campaign Against Living Miserably, which is a brilliant effort. With two weeks to go, you can add to these heartening tributes to my great friend Matt Robinson at https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Thomas-McMahon2 .

Daily Mirror article on Voting in 2017 General Election

Take a look at my guide to voting in the 2017 general election, originally published by the Daily Mirror:

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/need-polling-card-vote-uk-10576714?service=responsive

Foul play finds a home online with General Election looming

The Crown Prosecution Service last week confirmed it will not press charges against members of the Conservative Party over expenses relating to their “battle bus” in the run-up to the 2015 general election.

While Jeremy Corbyn admitted he was “surprised” by the CPS's decision, it is perhaps more startling that this was an electoral controversy focusing on traditional, offline campaign tactics. Intrigues around recent overseas elections suggest that any foul play is now much more likely to be conducted by digital means.

Old School: The Conservative Battle Bus of 2015

With Britain heading to the polls again in a little over three weeks' time, the prospect of online subversion is already looming as a threat to the integrity of the general election. Facebook has been sufficiently concerned to place a full-page advert in a number of British newspapers, providing ten tips on how to spot “false news” online. Behind the scenes, meanwhile, the site has also removed tens of thousands of bogus accounts in a plan to tackle what it describes as “spam, misinformation or other deceptive content”.

Fake news first came into the public consciousness in the wake of Donald Trump's victory in last year's US Presidential race, with an array of outlandish news stories circulated on social media. An article reporting that Pope Francis supported the Republican candidate's campaign was a particularly successful hoax, receiving almost a million shares on Facebook.

Pope Francis: Not actually a Republican

Trump's team, while not openly condoning the dissemination of fake news, have acknowledged the power of social media as an electoral influence. Gary Coby, the Republican Party's director of marketing, enthuses: “If you are on Facebook, I can match you and put you in a bucket of users that I can target”.

While Trump's campaign spent around $70 million on Facebook advertising to hammer home key messages, it has also been widely alleged that a more underhand digital campaign was secretly underway, in collusion with Russian hackers.

FBI director James Comey's dismissal this week, against the backdrop of the Bureau's ongoing investigation into links between the Trump campaign and Russia, has done little to quell suspicion. The FBI probe centres on Kremlin-sanctioned e-mail hacks against the Democrats which destabilised the party's White House campaign, and Trump's security advisor Michael Flynn has already been dismissed after covering up his meetings with Russian officials.

Departed: Former Trump security advisor Michael Flynn

A similar hack on the eve of run-off voting in France also threatened to derail Emmanuel Macron's successful Presidential race, with Macron's team claiming that hackers added fabricated messages to “five entire mailboxes” of stolen e-mails. Cybersecurity experts have since attributed the breach to the APT-28 hacking group, who have been linked with Russian military intelligence and also orchestrated last year's leak of Western athletes' medical records.

The hacked emails, hosted on anonymous document-sharing site Pastebin, failed to make an impact on the outcome of France's election as Macron stormed to 66% of the vote. The constant threat of online interference in the run-up to the polls, however, means that democracies now have to work harder than ever before to protect the integrity of their elections.

'A Sunday in Hell' - The 2017 Paris-Roubaix Preview

There’s a trend for endurance events at the moment. Established challenges such as marathons and triathlons are complemented by a new wave of quasi-military assault courses, with millions of plucky participants signing up to events with names like Spartan Race, Tough Mudder and the unfortunately-departed BattleFrog.

While a combination of corporate team discounts, and the opportunity to clamber over and under obstacles while shouting encouragement in clipped tones to your colleagues was always likely to find an audience among Britain’s Russell Group-educated elite, these rigorous races do at least provide a positive impetus to train towards a fixed goal.

However challenging these weekend events must be, however, and despite their uniformly macho branding, I’ve yet to see one labelled as ‘A Sunday in Hell’.

Paris-Roubaix: a unique challenge

That title belongs to the Paris-Roubaix, a one-day cycling race in northern France which takes place every April. This Sunday sees the 117^th edition, with a field of 200 riders from 25 teams undertaking a 257km course, finishing in a sprint around Roubaix’s concrete velodrome.  

The course itself is generally very flat, lacking even the short-but-steep inclines common in other spring classics such as the Tour of Flanders, but the cobbles, or pavé, that cover 53km of the course   make Paris-Roubaix a notoriously difficult ride. British cyclist Roger Hammond once described the experience of riding the pavé as “bone-shattering chaos”, and cyclists as decorated as Fabian Cancellara and George Hincapie have been humbled by the cobbled roads in the past.
     

Man down: muddy cobbles get the better of Cancellara in 2016

The pavé are particularly hazardous in the wet weather that typically prevails near the Belgian border in spring, as mud on the primitive roads reduces traction even further. This year’s forecast is for sun before and during the race, but in the drier years the peloton has to contend with plumes of dust rising up from the cobblestones, prompting French writer Louis Nucera to compare the 1980 edition of the race to a desert crossing.

Such a troublesome riding surface has turned the humble pavé into an icon of the race, with the  winner receiving a mounted cobblestone as their trophy. Belgian rider Tom Boonen already has a personal collection of four of the stones, and Sunday marks the 36-year-old’s final chance to overtake compatriot Roger de Vlaeminck as Paris-Roubaix’s most successful rider.

While retirement beckons for Boonen, the next generation of cycling superstars will be looking to spoil his farewell race. The reigning world champion, Slovak sprinter Peter Sagan, is the bookies’ favourite to add a first Paris-Roubaix victory to his crowded collection of palmeres but may still be recovering from a mild crash in last weekend’s Tour of Flanders. 2016 winner Mathew Hayman, while a hardy competitor, may at 38 years old lack the raw pace needed to lead from the front again, particularly on a dry course.

Greg van Avermaet has started 2017 in fantastic form

Perhaps the best bet would be to back BMC's Belgian rider Greg van Avermaet to collect his first cobblestone on Sunday. The 31-year-old claimed a bronze medal in the 2015 Paris-Roubaix and comes into this year’s race in sparkling form, having won the Gent-Wevelgem and Omloop Het Nieuwsblad one-day events already this season, beating Sagan on both occasions.

While van Avermaet should be confident ahead of the race, the ‘Hell of the North’ is always liable to spring a few surprises, with changeable weather and jagged cobbles just some of the variables. No matter who prevails in Roubaix’s velodrome on Sunday afternoon, they will certainly have earned their victory.

The 2017 Paris-Roubaix begins 10:00 on Sunday 9^th April, with live coverage on British Eurosport.

Theresa May's Mask Slips in Grammar Schools Discussion

After Monday’s announcement that Article 50 will be triggered on 29^th March, and before the horrifying scenes that unfolded around Westminster Bridge and Parliament Square on Wednesday afternoon, Theresa May had a brief window of opportunity in which to focus on running the country.

The NHS might be in crisis and the Scots may be making a dash for the Second Referendum lifeboats, but Prime Minister’s Questions at noon on Wednesday gave Theresa May the opportunity to promote her pet project: the repeal of a 1998 law outlawing the building of new grammar schools.

Jeremy Corbyn, these days the only leader operating out of North London capable of making Arsene Wenger look popular, pressed the Prime Minister on the wisdom of spending £320 million to open the floodgates for new grammars, when her government’s funding squeeze has already imperilled the finances of some 9,000 state schools. Reciting a letter from Eileen, a headteacher who has seen her staff reduced to purchasing their own stationery for primary school classes, it was a well-directed line of questioning from Corbyn, who looked re-energised by the latest round of internecine squabbling within the Labour Party.

Theresa May set out her vision for education on Wednesday

With Corbyn pressing the Prime Minister on whether budget cuts would result in “larger class sizes, shorter school days, or unqualified teachers”, May pointed to grammar schools as one of the “choices” that will enhance opportunities “for every child”.

After the Leader of the Opposition converted an open goal by querying the value for money of new grammars when existing schools are struggling to afford pencils and notebooks, May hit back that Labour’s Shadow Home Secretary and Shadow General Attorney had both sent their children to private school, while Corbyn himself had benefited from a grammar school education. In the Prime Minister’s eyes, this was “typical Labour – take the advantage and pull up the ladder behind you”.

May’s response was at first glance a stinging retort, and was cheered by the Tory benches, but her lunging attempt to expose Labour hypocrisy actually served to expose the utter folly of expanding the grossly outdated grammar school model.

Her tone, focusing on the “the advantage” of private and selective schools, removed the pretence that these schools can function as part of a “diverse” and universal suite of education options. Her words cleared the smokescreen of parental choice, and laid bare the fundamentally elitist agenda of her proposed reforms: grammar and private schools – with their advantages in teaching quality, funding and academic prestige – are for the parliamentarian class, whether they happen to be coloured red or blue. All other schools are to be consolation prizes.

Corbyn noted that even former Education Secretary Nicky Morgan (by comparison a progressive rose between the retrograde thorn thickets of Michael Gove and Justine Greening) couldn’t bring herself to support the proposals of her party, noting in The Guardian that “all the evidence is clear that grammar schools damage social mobility”.

More than this, however, May’s personal slights against the Labour frontbench offer a preview of British society once grammars have been reintroduced to mainstream British education: a new dividing line of privilege between the “academic ” (officer class) and the “vocational / technical” (proletarian) streams of schooling. It will be a society in which the middle class grammar school students will progress smoothly to Britain’s elite universities, accompanied by a cohort of working class quota-fillers for the PR managers to focus on, while the rump population can quietly shift to second-class schools and pursue second-class qualifications in preparation for second-class careers.
     

With contemporary Britain already bitterly divided along economic, regional and cultural schisms, the temptation to further divide the population by educational background must be resisted.   

Karanka Suffers Mentor Mourinho's Fate as Third Season Syndrome Bites

As they slumped to a deflating, demoralising 2-0 defeat at home to Manchester City, Aitor Karanka’s Middlesbrough side had finally come full circle. Just over two years after a famous, fully deserved FA Cup win at the Etihad marked the high point of the Basque manager’s reign, Boro crashed out of the cup against the same team, by the same scoreline. Four days later, Karanka is out of a job.

Sunday’s loss at the Riverside felt heavier, more comprehensive than the eventual two-goal margin suggested, with Boro bamboozled by the swashbuckling speed and skill of City’s Leroy Sane, David Silva and Raheem Sterling. On home soil, Boro mustered just 31% possession. Their beleaguered goalkeeper, Brad Guzan, was named man of the match. Top scorer this season with just seven goals, Alvaro Negredo replaced injured January signing Rudy Gestede in the first half, only to turn in another study in isolation as Boro’s sole striker.

Aitor Karanka left Middlesbrough on Thursday

Such anaemic attacking performances had become the norm under Karanka, with Middlesbrough’s failure to score in each of their last four league fixtures contributing to the club’s slide to 19^th in the Premier League table. Boro still boast the fifth-meanest defence in the top flight, even in spite of a winless run stretching back to before Christmas, but the side’s lack of menace in attack eventually convinced Steve Gibson that Karanka was no longer the right manager to stave off relegation to the Championship.

While Gibson will have thought long and hard over the decision to replace Karanka, there is a certain inevitability to the former Real Madrid assistant manager’s departure in his third full season on Teesside. Indeed, Karanka’s reign at Middlesbrough has clear echoes of the problems his friend and mentor, Jose Mourinho encountered in his third seasons at Real and in his two spells at Chelsea. Although played out on different stages, the narrative arc of promising beginning, glorious middle and fractious ending can be seen in each of these three-act tenures.

Mentor: Karanka was assistant to Jose Mourinho at Real Madrid

Taking over from Tony Mowbray at 16^th-placed Boro in the November of 2013, Karanka tightened up the defence and steered the side to the safety of 12^th place in Championship table at the end of the season. He began to impose a physical, but nonetheless possession-based playing style on the team, too, exemplified by the January signings of towering centre back Daniel Ayala and portly playmaker Lee Tomlin.

It wasn’t until Karanka’s side had their first pre-season under their belt, however, that the side really started to sparkle. Of the Spanish Armada signed in the summer of 2014, only Kike Garcia would shine on Teesside, but Karanka’s other signings proved astute at Boro romped to 4^th place in the Championship. Adam Clayton added bite to the midfield alongside the craft of Grant Leadbitter, while Chelsea loanee Patrick Bamford was a revelation. A lightweight but wonderfully deft forward, the 21-year-old Bamford scored 17 league goals and had a hand in many more on his way to Championship Player of the Year. Boro’s lack of Premiership guile would be cruelly exposed in a 2-0 play-off final defeat to Norwich City, but Karanka’s first full season had brought the good times back to the Riverside.

Patrick Bamford led Boro to the play offs in Karanka's first season

Mourinho’s first-season successes at Chelsea are well-documented, with a league title in 2004-05 and a third-place finish in 2013-14, but he also made a promising start with Karanka as his assistant manager at Real Madrid in 2010-11. Succeeding Manuel Pellegrini, Mourinho led Los Merengues to victory in the Copa del Rey, ending a three-year trophy drought in the process, although a 5-0 league hammering to Barcelona revealed the gap still to be bridged between the two sides.     

The similarities between Karanka and Mourinho’s second seasons are similarly striking, with notable triumphs for the two managers in Madrid and Middlesbrough alike, as well as in West London. In Karanka’s second full season, his Boro side went a step further than his first campaign, claiming automatic promotion as runners-up in the Championship. The defence, in the Mourinho mould, was nigh-on impregnable as Ben Gibson emerged as a perfect partner for Ayala in the back line. There were memorable moments, too, with a 3-0 win at Brighton in December a particular a highlight, as Boro ended their hosts’ unbeaten record in some style.  

Boro achieved promotion in Aitor Karanka's second season

However, it could be said that even as he steered his team to promotion, Karanka’s faults were already beginning to emerge. With Bamford and Tomlin both trying their luck in the Premier League, goals, flair and creativity were at a premium, as Boro managed to score five fewer goals than the previous campaign but still finish higher in the table. Indeed, no side in the Championship’s top six scored fewer than Middlesbrough that season.

The manager’s signings began to become increasingly erratic, too, with puzzling continental prospects (Julian de Sart and Kike Sola, anyone?) linking up with grizzled Championship veterans such as Jordan Rhodes and David Nugent. Only Gaston Ramirez, brought in on loan from Southampton in January, was an unqualified success in adding seven goals from midfield.

Underwhelming: Kike Sola failed to make an impact on Teesside

Most troublingly, there were signs of underlying unrest on the training ground and in boardroom, with Karanka storming out of training to“consider his future” and leaving Steve Agnew to manage the team away to Charlton Athletic.

While Karanka did return to win promotion with Middlesbrough, Jose Mourinho’s second seasons have been similarly successful, although often tinged with the same grinding pragmatism. Despite winning titles in both of his second seasons at Chelsea, it is worth noting that in both of his second seasons at Stamford Bridge, his side have been “Champions elect” by Christmas before slowing down considerably on the final straight. The Frank Lampard-inspired 2005-06 vintage saw their lead over Manchester United cut by half in an awful March, while the Hazard-Costa axis of 2013-14 had a similar late-season wobble punctuated by draws and scrappy victories, as the January addition of Juan Cuadrado curtailed the fine form of Willian and Oscar.

In Mourinho’s defence (no pun intended), his second season at Real Madrid was more or less faultless: a La Liga title won with record totals in points and goals, and denied a place in the Champions League final only by the iron law of Bayern Munich winning a penalty shoot-out.

Mourinho, Ronaldo and co romped to the La Liga title in 2011-12

If the Real Madrid exception proves the rule, it’s now possible examine the point where Karanka and Mourinho’s teams really fall apart: the third season.

In Karanka’s case, it is more excusable, with Middlesbrough moving up to the Premier League and lacking the resources of the league’s biggest spenders. Even discounting Boro’s relative lack of financial muscle in the top division, however, the Spanish coach has made some unusual signings and transfers throughout this campaign. From summer’s sale of rangy winger Albert Adomah to Aston Villa, to the recent reticence to play Ayala since his return from injury, Karanka has made a number of odd calls.

Influential: but Albert Adomah was sold after promotion

Perhaps the most egregious omissions are those of Bamford, who re-signed on a permanent deal in January, and Ramirez. While Negredo remains a dangerous finisher in the penalty box, he has recently been starved of service, with only the erratic Adama Traore and the static Cristhian Stuani for support. Asked about Bamford’s absence recently, Karanka only commented that he needed “18 fighters” for matchdays, which makes the initial decision to purchase the talented, but rather laconic forward hard to explain.

Similarly to his mentor, Karanka also found himself at odds with the club’s ownership in his third season. He recently bemoaned the lack of investment in the squad, despite Gibson sanctioning January moves for Bamford and Gestede, who cost £5.5 million and £7 million respectively.

In the third season of Mourinho’s first spell at Chelsea, the problem was more with who the Stamford Bridge hierarchy did bring in, rather than who they failed to. Andriy Shevchenko, a personal favourite of Roman Abramovich, rocked up about three years past his devastating peak, while young stars Salomon Kalou and John Obi Mikel largely flattered to deceive. Khalid Boulahrouz, meanwhile, didn’t even manage to deceive.

Frosty: Mourinho struggled to get the best out of Andriy Shevchenko

Mourinho added an FA Cup in 2006-07 but Chelsea lost out to Manchester United in a tight title race, unable to keep pace with the firepower of Cristiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney. By September, he had departed in the wake of a 1-1 Champions League draw with Rosenborg in front of a half-full Stamford Bridge.

At Real Madrid, Aitor Karanka looked on as his mentor’s third season unravelled into trophyless catastrophe, with the infamous eye-poke on Tito Vilanova a particularly embarrassing nadir for club and manager alike. Even Real's own players felt the Portuguese’s ire in his final season at the Bernabeu, with Pepe slammed in the press and replaced in central defence by a 19-year-old Raphael Varane after he dared to question the wisdom of dropping club legend Iker Casillas.

John Terry was scapegoated in similar fashion after Chelsea made a poor start to their title defence in 2015-16, with Mourinho slipping into a deep paranoia in towards the end of his second spell at Stamford Bridge, accusing his squad of “betraying” him before eventually departing in December. Referees, opposition managers and club physio Eva Carneiro were all blamed for defeats, with Mourinho keen to look anywhere except the mirror when apportioning blame.

Departed: but Karanka's replacement can still keep Boro up 

While the symptoms of third season syndrome have brought the same managerial morbidity to Aitor Karanka as suffered by his mentor Mourinho, Middlesbrough do at least have a chance of retaining their place in the Premier League. Sitting just three points behind 17^th-placed Crystal Palace, and with a superior goal difference to most of their relegation rivals, whoever takes charge of Boro for the remaining 11 games of the season will feel confident of securing survival after reviewing the fixture list. Home games against Burnley, Sunderland and a comfortably mid-table Southampton look eminently winnable, as do trips to Swansea and Hull.

If the shackles that seemed to grip the side in the last months of Karanka’s tenure can be loosened, Boro might be able to start planning dreaming of how to avoid their own third season syndrome in the top flight.  

FPL Week Zero - The Defenders

Like Diego Costa, the blog is battling to be ready for the start of the season. Unlike Diego Costa, the blog will not be partaking in any experimental treatments involving horse placentas or painkilling injections.

After last week's magnum opus on Fantasy Football's bargain goalkeepers, I've been bogged down with that grimly ironic ailment: the summer cold. Summer colds are awful. The sun shines without compassion as green phlegm congeals around your windpipe and your sinuses swell to painful proportions. The August heat only serves to exacerbate the burn of your headache. You can't drink cough medicine in the office without people thinking you're a "dirty sprite"-sipping codeine addict.

Like Ledley King, the blog is struggling for fitness

Nevertheless, you can rest assured that I won't be leaving my FPL preview unfinished. The new season beckons, the pitches are prepared, and the loudmouths at work want buy-in money for their Fantasy league. In the immortal words of the great American poet Young Jeezy, let's get it.

Part Two - Defenders

In real football, defenders are the foundations upon which great teams are built. Ideally, they're rugged athletes who can mark their man, win headers and play the ball out from the back. They're competent but unflashy and know how to work as a unit. However, none of this really matters in Fantasy Football, which rewards an odd blend of bruising centre-halves like John Terry (177 points last season) and cavalier full-backs in the Leighton Baines (139 pts) mold.

Those two FPL perennials, along with the freakishly excellent Branislav Ivanovic (179 pts), have been excluded from my selection. Feel free to take a look at that trio, but brace yourself for the hit on your wallet.      

Fantasy Force: Leighton Baines

My first choice in defence is Jose Holebas, who at just £4.5m takes on the role of Budget Baines this campaign. The Greek left-back averages approximately a goal every ten games throughout his career, and is always a pacy attacking outlet for the national team. Add in his Champions League pedigree from stints at Olympiakos and AS Roma, and Holebas represents a good punt, particularly with just 0.6% of managers selecting the defender. "Differentials" like this are vital in grabbing unexpected points, and it certainly beats having John O'Shea back there.

Keeping up the bargain-basement flavour (tastes like chorizo) of my backline is Stoke's Philipp Wollscheid, my official Irrational Confidence Pick. The German centre-half, also priced at 4.5, is a cheap way in to a Stoke backline which managed nine clean sheets last term. When fit, Wollscheid was first choice alongside Ryan Shawcross after arriving from Bayer Leverkusen in January, and the twice-capped defender should make more of an impression in his first full season.

Spurs will reunite Toby Alderweireld and Jan Vertonghen

Picking a Tottenham Hotspur defender fills me with trepidation, but the next spot at the back must go to Belgian thoroughbred Toby Alderweireld, newly signed from Atletico Madrid. 5.0 is a fantastic price for a defender who was outstanding on loan for Southampton last season, clocking up nine clean sheets in just 25 games. It also bodes well for Alderweireld's minutes that Spurs' other options alongside Jan Vertonghen at centre-half are footballing luminaries Eric Dier and Federico Fazio. The 47-times capped international can also fill in at right-back, although the rampaging Kieran Trippier (5.5) should be first choice after joining from Burnley.

While FPL crams all defenders under the same positional umbrella, it only feels right to have a proper balance of centre-halves and full-backs, and Chelsea's Cesar "Dave" Azpilicueta is one of the league's best in the latter role. With Felipe Luis returning to Spain after an underwhelming spell at Stamford Bridge, Azpilicueta goes into 2015/16 as the champions' undisputed first choice at left-back. Along with 13 clean sheets, his herky-jerky runs into the opposition half mustered three assists last season. He's relatively cheap, too, at 6.0. To put that into context, noted shithouse Gary Cahill is priced at 6.5, despite earning less points than Azpilicueta last year. It's a no-brainer.

Matteo Darmian: United's new right-back

Rounding off the defence is Manchester United's Matteo Darmian, an attacking right-back recently arrived from Torino. Like Azpilicueta, he's a full-back who plays "off the wrong foot", in this case a left-footer on the right flank. Darmian, who shone for Italy in last summer's World Cup, is set to be first choice at Old Trafford after Rafael's departure to Lyon and will be given licence to get forward under Louis van Gaal. While not that regular a goalscorer or assist-maker in Serie A (six goals, 11 assists in 150 games for Torino), the Premier League should suit the athletic 25-year-old, and 5.5 is a fine price for a starting full-back in a Champions League side. For context, consider the likes of Nacho Monreal, Steven Caulker and Aleksandar Kolarov are available at the same price.

Join me very soon (too soon) for part three of the preview, where you'll find out my midfield picks,  and sign up to my league with the code 382422-233533 

FPL Week Zero - The Goalkeepers

Like most of my SMS messages, I'd like to open this blog post with an apology. I apologise that I've been away for so long. I've been working hard in a new job and moved to London, where distractions abound. I also apologise that the blog's new focus on Fantasy Football is not reflected in a pithy pun in the website URL. 'Let Me Be Your Fantasy', 'My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy', and 'Notorious FPL' were all considered, but it was felt they lacked the combination of oblique pretence and literary sincerity that 'Stream of Details' offers.

I do not and shall not, however, apologise for the new subject matter. Among fans of the Premier League, Fantasy Football is the great leveller, a common denominator which lets obsessives of all shades test their wits against each other. It pits the Walkabout loudmouth in his gold-lettered 'Champions 20' United jersey against the Sid Lowe-worshipping, Raumdeuter-advocating football hipster, only for them both to be beaten by the guy in your office who looks up Betfair clean sheet odds and openly admits to preferring rugby. It is the acid test for pub bores, counters of blocks and interceptions, and people who punch the air after seeing that Marcin Wasilewski has got an assist. It is played by over three million people and I absolutely love it.

Artist's impression of a FPL gamer

My blog will be weekly and will break down the previous gameweek in detail, before picking out useful signings for the next round of matches. Bear in mind that I had Diafra Sakho in my FPL team from as early as gameweek six last season. As a trade-off, however, you will be subjected to at least 400 words of prose on a diverse range of topics. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wonder about the mental health of a single 24-year-old with a full-time job who spends his free time detailing how Joel Ward's ability to step into midfield makes him a valuable budget addition to your defence.

A quick note – this blog will only cover the official Premier League Fantasy game. For those of you playing The Sun's version, I applaud your commitment to fighting the European single currency and suggest you take a look here before demanding a refund. The rest of you, enjoy part one of my season preview.

Part one – The Goalkeepers

Goalkeepers have traditionally been somewhat isolated figures: lonely specialists standing on the periphery of a team game. It is a role has always bred mavericks, from Colombian 'keeper Rene Higuita and his kidnapping conviction to former Hereford shot-stopper David Icke, now best known for his 'unconventional' views on the royal family. Albert Camus, meanwhile, was a standout goalkeeper at youth level.

David Icke - the Hereford United years

However, this eccentricity seems to be fading from the art of goalkeeping. Perhaps it stems from implementation of the backpass rule, forcing goalkeepers to use their feet like anyone else, subliminally bringing their personalities into line with the rest of the dressing room. Look at the new breed of sweeper-keepers: identikit beanpoles with good feet and zero charisma. There's Joe Hart and Manuel Neuer, the school bullies who cried when they couldn't get a game outfield; Courtois and Pantilimon, built in a lab out of discarded limbs from the 1980s Boston Celtics team; and then you've got Brad Guzan. Could Brad Guzan tell you anything interesting about Brad Guzan?

Liverpool's Simon Mignolet, then, with his degree in Political Science from the Catholic University of Leuven, might be seen as the Premier League's only concession to a more off-the-wall era of goalkeeping. His footwork is similarly retro, as time and again he uses both feet with equal skill to hammer the ball out for throw-ins halfway inside the Liverpool half. This poor distribution, coupled with a number of high-profile gaffes last season, should have made Mignolet's position as the Reds' number one untenable by now. Can you recall a single great Mignolet game?

Liverpool's Simon Mignolet: Garbage?

He clings on to his role between the sticks, however, as surely as he fails to cling on to any lofty back post cross. Like a Tory government, he impresses nobody but survives through fear of the alternative. Seeing off the challenge of Brad “safe hands” Jones last season, he will be quietly confident of remaining ahead of highly-rated youngster Adam Bogdan in the Anfield pecking order this campaign. Game time is guaranteed.

Quietly and inconspicuously, he keeps clean sheets too. The Belgian stopper somehow oversaw 14 shut-outs last season, joint-highest in the league. Considering he will be enjoy the luxury of playing behind a genuine right-back this season, his 5.0 price tag looks a bargain.

A rose between two thorns

My alternative suggestion is Newcastle's Tim Krul, with the Netherlands international representing a very solid rotation option at 4.5. In contrast to Mignolet, Krul is all about the glory games. Right from his debut as a 17-year-old against Palermo to his 14-save freakshow against Tottenham, Krul has put up shows of defiance to which General Custer himself might aspire. Unsurprisingly, playing behind the likes of “Iron” Mike Williamson and Paul Dummett, these clean sheets don't come around as regularly as Fantasy managers might like, but when they arrive they tend be accompanied by Bonus and Saves points.